In keeping with yesterday's Bonnie Hunt Show and her fabulous videotaped song for American Idol (nudge nudge wink wink), I thought I would reprint an entry of mine written on Wednesday, May 9, 2007.
This one's for you, Bonnie.
Jesus And The First Supper
Cast of Characters
Andrew (Simon Peter's brother)
Bartholomew
Matthew
James (son of Alphaeus)
Jesus
John (sometimes called James)
Judas
Jude
Simon
Simon (known as Peter)
Thomas
For reasons of clarity, James, son of Alphaeus, shall be called James; John, sometimes called James, shall remain John; Simon, sometimes known as Peter, shall be called Peter.
Act One
The year is 27 and it is summer. The evening, in fact, is balmy, and the sky an explosion of black and gold and white. Jesus has only last week put together his team of disciples, and has since invited them to dinner at an outdoor restaurant overlooking the Mediterranean.
Jesus enters the room wearing a long crenellated robe and Birkenstock-style sandals. In his hand he carries a leather satchel, probably containing his VISA card. Behind him the disciples follow slowly, led by Peter. The men walk toward the table marked Reserved and sit down.
Matthew [turning slowly to Bartholomew]: I wonder, Judas, what think you of the rumours that Herod Agrippa is going to run for office again?
Judas: Why do think that it matters to me who should run for office? Besides, can't you see we are sitting at the reserved table? Should not decorum, therefore, predict and preclude your typical brash behaviour?
Bartholomew: What ho, boys! Not another argument! We have just this moment arrived, and you know how Jesus is on the subject of team spirit. Did he not spend one and one half hours last week pontificating and elaborating on same?
Jude: Have you seen the menu? It's fabulous! And look at that basket of whole wheat challah -- filled to the brim! Yummy. Here, don't be shy -- have a piece. It might lighten your mood, Judas.
Judas: I am not in fowl temper, rather only irritated by this constant barrage of political banter. Herod this, and Herod that. I would have been a better king than he, but nooooooo! Apparently here in the Middle East, lineage is everything.
James: It's the same the world over, Judas! Look at the map -- study the demographics. And Jude is right -- feast your eyes on this delectable menu. Sesame crackers and seaweed bisque! And my favourite -- peppered bean soup!
Simon: It's going to be hellish choosing between the fried schnitzel and lamb kabob! I promised myself to pull in one belt loop by summer's end, and once again I have let myself down.
Peter: Hello you boys! It's hard to shout along such an enormous table. [Laughter] Jesus was just saying that the weather's been holding out well, and tomorrow we shall go down to the sea and practice our fly fishing.
Jude: What about the sermon? Isn't there to be any talk of tomorrow's sermon?
Andrew: Oh yes, that too.
Peter: Hey, Jude! [Peter shouts across the table] Don't bring us down. Of course there'll be a sermon. Tomorrow Jesus will be discussing the rigors of --
Bartholomew: No no! I said the honey with olive oil. I just dab it on my face -- see these irritating blotchy patches? -- gone in a day.
Thomas: Mmm...hummus and babaganush! Tasty! What a terrific menu. It can't always be this scrumptious. Whose idea was it to come here? [Several sets of eyes land on Jesus] [more or less]
John: And wait 'til you see the dessert menu! I was here last week with my mother and we made proper pigs of ourselves. The chocolate wafers are to die for.
Judas: The rigors of...?
Peter: Oh, the usual. The tax census. The calendrical system. The build-up of algae in the Sea of Galilee -- there is such an abundance you can practically walk across! [Peter eyes the bottles of brandy and gin that the waiter has placed on the table]
Andrew: You don't say?
Peter: And then there are the minor issues. The fattening of goats and sheep. Itch-resistant robes. A thank you to Mrs. Federman for her fabulous figcakes.
Jude: Kookookachoo!
Andrew: Bless you!
Judas: Oh really, Peter, such idiotic topics. How can anyone take us seriously if we are to behave as the donkeys in the field? You call yourself an advisor?
Peter: Sticks and stones, Judas. Sticks and stones.
John: Could someone please pass me the wine? [John's eyes widen] Oh no, not you, Jesus. Perhaps Simon or Peter or Bart. Yes, the red will do. Thank you.
Judas [under his breath]: Shteyner af zayne beyner.
Thomas: Does it feel like rain, or is it just me?
Judas: And these endless clichés. Where do they come from? Surely not from your father's genius brain?
Thomas: Yes, I think I felt a drop.
Jude: I saw your sister the other day, Peter. She was walking down the road with Lactivius. [Peter looks toward Judas] Could it be that you are jealous, good Judas, having only last week asked for this pretty girl's hand? [Laughter]
Judas: Schmendrick!
Matthew: So Judas, what do you think of the rumours that Herod Agrippa is running for office again?
Thomas: The tiramisu please, and perhaps just a little of the baklava. As long as it isn't too fattening.
Andrew: Here Simon, have a grape.
Peter: I don't know about the rest of you, but a good game of checkers or chess out on the back patio might be nice during sunset.
End of Act One
<:^) Posted by Jennifer Coffey at 5:46 AM
