I am trying to order three (with at least one vegan) item/s for an organizational function (what does that mean, I wonder?) -- for an evening celebration of writers (which sounds pretentious, although this couldn't be further from), and I have whittled it down to five options, but, for the life of me, cannot determine the winning three. It's all turning into a SACU test...you know, rock is to earth as sun is to ________. (You don't even want to know how poorly I did on those tests, and try as I might to blame it on the four dozen Oreo cookies, if that were true then why did my roommate Kathy, who also sat up all night and ate with me, do so well? Survery says...)
Anyway, here are the whittled-down choices:
Crudités: A selection of seasonal veggies including carrot, celery, broccoli and cherry tomatoes with a blue cheese or ranch dip.
Of course, I'm allergic to blue cheese and celery -- yes I am -- and raw vegetables give me a stomach ache. And those little cherry tomatoes make me nervous. What if one gets stuck in my throat in the middle of that short speech I have to make? Which reminds me of that poor man at the Beaverbrook Hotel and his friend doing the Heimlich while his wife looked helplessly on. Only he wasn't choking to death, he was having a heart attack. (See where my brain goes and how lucky you are?)
Cheese Platter: A variety of sliced and cubed cheeses such as cheddar, Swiss, brie and camembert.
All well and good except for the lactose intolerance. I was on a train not so long ago suffering the slings and arrows of cheddar and brie -- usually I'm so good about this -- but stuff a plateful of orange-coloured cubes in front of my face and I'm a goner, especially if there are breadsticks and little rye toasts. I remember a few years back how one of my kids and I got hooked on those jars of cheese that you drip over nachos...oh my God, they were good...kind of like Cheez Whiz for rich people (except we weren't rich).
Fruit Platter: Seasonal fruit including seedless grapes, kiwi and melons.
Kiwi? Do they know how many people are allergic to kiwi? And I don't mean in a tiny little break out in a momentary rash way, oh no. I mean in a full-blown anaphylactic grab me that Epi-Pen kit and call 911 where's the ambulance way. Don't even put me in the same room with a kiwi. I am choking already.
Assorted Cold Cut Platter: A vast array of hand sliced meats including smoked chicken, cappicola, black forest ham and genoa salami.
Now, this is fine, except for the cholesterol and the recurring bowel polyps -- oh yes, and the vegans. On the other hand, is there anything tastier than a super bologna sandwich, served up on homemade bread with a soupcon of moutard, a small side of pickles, and a plateful of ch-- Oh dear. I was going to say cheese.
Hummus Platter: A blend of roasted red pepper and roasted garlic hummus served with toasted flour pita toasts.
Or as my friend Lisa used to say, Hummus where the heart is, which, when I look back on this entire list of food options (and remember, I can only pick three) seems to be true because, except for the gall bladder intolerance, this item is clearly the most palatable for me.
Typically, I wouldn't even factor myself into the equation, oh no not at all, but choosing is an arduous task -- haven't you learned anything from this exercise? -- and what good will I be if I am gasping and gassing my way through the entire event? If it's blue cheese and veggies and kiwi they want, then let them eat cake. As for me, I'll be in the corner chowing down on hummus and grapes and a fistful of ham...not too hard, not too soft...just the way the doctor ordered.
Say cheeeeeese!
<:^)
