Things That Move

I tuned in to the Discovery Channel yesterday as I sometimes do to watch Jeff Douglas on Things That Move. As interesting as I find the program, I generally pop by to see how Jeff is holding up these days. I haven't seen him in a while, but when we were neighbours, we (he and his wife and Mary and I) developed a sweet sort of friendship made up of visits and outings and parties and Christmas and dinners that occasionally included my children and some of his family as well. Typically I would be a little hesitant to bring up anything as personal as a man's parasites but, alas, I noted that Jeff mentioned this very thing on his show this week. Therefore, as a tribute to an old friend (why, he's practically my age -- lucky thirty-seven!), I offer up the following adaptation that I wrote for him at that time. It is based on the song I Am The Very Model of A Modern Major General from The Pirates of Penzance. Warning: this is not for the squeamish.

GENERAL:

I am the very model of a modern parasitical,

I've wormy things in swimming holes colonic and rectitical,

I hold my knees together to avoid squirtations vertical

Projectiles known to menace and at times to even hurt a girl.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters indigestible,

I understand emetics, both the languid and detestable,

Soft powders, tonics, liquid gels, and scopes that offer several views,

Pink purgatives a feature of the Annual Anal Fissure News.

ALL:

Pink purgatives a feature of the Annual Anal Fissure News.

Pink purgatives a feature of the Annual Anal Fissure News.

Pink purgatives a feature of the Annual Anal Fissure News.

GENERAL:

I'm very good at picking up varieties hermetical,

(A tapeworm from Columbia is more than just political)

In short, in matters vegetable, and animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern parasitical.

ALL:

In short, in matters vegetable, and animal, and mineral,

He is the very model of a modern parasitical.

GENERAL:

I know the rationale behind the gourmand Puritanical;

Those bugless leaves of lettuce and clear water sanitanical,

I speak to crowds of thousands where I lecture on hygienia,

And grace the throngs with countless tales of Diet Schizophrenia,

I can tell undoubted Atkins from the Hellmanns and the Spiegelites,

I know the whole darn menu from the Cordon Bleu in Brooklyn Heights!

I dine in Buddhist restaurants divest of chemicals impure,

And never munch on anything the Pope himself would not insure.

ALL:

And never munch on anything the Pope himself would not insure.

And never munch on anything the Pope himself would not insure.

And never munch on anything the Pope himself would not insure.

GENERAL:

And I can say with guiltless ease I am a proud evacuant,

And tell you there is nothing here I want or need or should recant:

In short, in matters vegetable, and animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern parasitical.

ALL:

In short, in matters vegetable, and animal, and mineral,

He is the very model of a modern parasitical.

GENERAL:

In fact, when I know what is meant by kaolin and im-pact-shun,

When I can tell at sight a specimenical infract-shee-un,

When I’m no longer sore surprised by angry diarrhea,

And when I know precisely what is meant by steatorrhea,

When I have learned what progress has been made in modern bowelry,

When I know more of bum bugs than grammarian of vowelry --

In short, when I've a smattering of colonary strategy,

You'll say a better parasite has never sat inside of me.

ALL:

You'll say a better parasite has never sat inside of me.

You'll say a better parasite has never sat inside of me.

You'll say a better parasite has never sat inside of me

GENERAL:

For my parasitic knowledge, though I'm learned and a devotee,

My sphincter scores being higher than the targeted trajectory;

But still, in matters vegetable, and animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern parasitical.

ALL:

But still, in matters vegetable, and animal, and mineral,

He is the very model of a modern parasitical.

Adopted by Jennifer Coffey

Eliminated by Jeff Douglas

<:^)