He's a vain, petulant, ridiculous, rude, imperious, childish, laughable, self-important, smug, inappropriate, controlling, insupportable dickweed (which reminds me -- always use commas to separate adjectives of the same type; otherwise, do without.) Oh yes, and he's American (thank God), as he aptly proved on the Jimmy Kimmel and Bonnie Hunt shows last week.
"Billy Bob, darlin' -- what wouldja like on yer porridge? Maple surrup or brown sugar"?
"I told you, you ratty bitch, never ta ask me again what toppins I wanted on my oatmeal! If'n I wanted toppins, I'd go get me some down at the toppin' shop."
Thornton, as we all know by now, refused to answer certain questions during an interview with Jian Ghomeshi on CBC Radio this month, while giving terse and inane responses to other questions. "I don't know what you mean," he said. "Shit, I don't know." According to Thornton, Ghomeshi "said something he wasn't supposed to say ... and I told a DJ to kiss my ass, that's all that happened. ... The fact that that was news was astounding to me," he said. "But it gave humpback geeks all over the world something to do for a couple days ... I do that all the time."
Yes I bet you do, which is likely why Thornton's band, The Boxmasters, were jeered off the stage while opening for Willie Nelson shortly after the interview. And all of this because Ghomeshi mentioned Thornton's acting credentials, and Oscar, in the introduction. Bastard interviewer indeed! Imagine offering up a three-line bio before engaging in a thirteen-minute exclusive-to-the-topic-of-music dialogue.
Arif Noorani, Executive Producer of Q on CBC Radio One, said, "Just to clarify questions around 'preconditions' -- the producers and host did not agree to any preconditions to not mention his acting career. As Jian Ghomeshi said in the interview, he was interested in talking to Billy Bob Thornton and the band about their music as well as having them perform. That's what we were aiming to do." And that's what would have happened if Thornton had been an intelligent, half-reasonable human being. Instead, he was an asshole -- or, as I often like to say -- a complete asshole.
After returning home to the States, however, Thornton explained to Jimmy Kimmel that he's a lifelong music historian (I'm trying to picture Billy Bob in diapers, music history volumes forging heavy dents into his baby legs....) and a fan of "cosmic cowboy music," and that he only wants to be perceived as a musician while with The Boxmasters -- which is too bad because, given the mediocrity of his singing voice, he might have wanted to lay claim to his Oscar-winning-movie feat.
According to Wikipedia, Billy Bob is the son of Virginia Roberta, an alleged psychic -- too bad she didn't see this coming -- and, according to various web sites, he apparently spent some of his childhood time with his forest ranger grandfather, Otis Thornton, in a small shack in the woods. Later, he attended Henderson State University in Arkadelphia, Arkansas, to pursue studies in psychology, but dropped out after two semesters. (I dropped a whole handful of mashed potatoes when I read that.)
As husband to Angelina Jolie, the couple were widely reported to have been wearing necklaced vials filled with one another's blood. Thornton later stated that the vials were actually two small lockets, each containing but a single drop. Perhaps he fibbed, however. Perhaps there was more than a drop per vial. Perhaps since his break-up with Angelina he's low on blood supply, which could account for some of his asinine behaviour. Add to that his phobia of antique furniture -- "I don't have a phobia about American antiques, it's mostly French -- you know, like the big, old, gold-carved chairs with the velvet cushions. The Louis XIV type. That's what creeps me out. I can spot the imitation antiques a mile off. They have a different vibe. Not as much dust" -- you wonder, less and less, why none of those five marriages worked out.
Billy Bob Thornton (I repeat myself here) claims to be "astounded by the interview fallout" -- a statement that makes him my newest honorary member of the Fiddle Dee Dee Club. "I'm just in their band, I'm just one of those guys," he said. Yup. That's how we all see him. Just one of those guys -- the one with the movie career, the Oscar, several (other) distinguished film awards, the five marriages, the vial of blood, the antique furniture phobia, and the man who apparently lost his horn-rimmed glasses.
As for the tour, The Boxmasters subsequently cancelled the remainder of their Canadian dates, citing an outbreak of influenza among the band and the crew. Let's hope he's not talking about the swine flu, because if an apple truly doesn't fall too far from its tree, he may be completely out of luck.
In the end, it makes me somewhat nervous to acknowledge that Billy Bob and I do have one thing in common. I can also spot an imitation antique a mile off. He can roll from talk show to talk show citing how incredibly, intolerably rude Jian Ghomeshi was, how bland we Canadians are (apparently we don't "throw things"), how strange our rules and regulations, but all the while everyone can see who the rude, bland, strange individual is. Too bad he can't sing.
<:^)
