You Know You’re Getting Old When…
- Larry King looks younger than you do.
- Being 30 pounds overweight feels minor compared to your four chins, three-layer arms and curling toenails.
- Movies touted as wild and funny (e.g., The Hangover) feel bleak, sexist, homophobic, cynical, simple-minded and dull.
- Your grandchildren spend hours playing connect-the-dots with your liver spots.
- You phone your doctor for your annual appointment and the receptionist says, “You’re still alive?”
- Your neck has more rings than Hira Guj, Birchi Guj and Kuttar Guj combined.
- By the time you remember how to spell erectile dysfunction you no longer know, or care, what it means.
- Your age is divisible by the age of your oldest child + 20.
- National Geographic has approached you, gingerly, about a cover story.
- Your eye make-up includes baking soda, super glue, plaster of Paris and toothpicks.
- Apart from that man in The Book of Lists, you are the oldest living person in your village.
- You go upstairs in search of your trifocals and return with a bottle of Geritol, your Civil War memo notes and four packets of denture powder.
- Your face has been used on the library billboard: The Great Lakes and Their Tributaries.
- You mishear hair brush for air brush, retard for leotard and girth for Goth.
- You know who Arthur Treacher, Totie Fields, Jackie Moms Mabley, Mrs. Miller, Xavier Cugat and April Aldrich are, and can place them in order of height.
- When you smile at the Mon Lisa, she smiles back – really big.
