People say, “It’ the same thing every year,” but if you look closely, you will see that it’s not the same at all.
Here, then, is a re-issue, with one notable change, and exchange:
I stood over their letters this morning, having come down early for tea, and found myself laughing and crying over how reflective their words are of the deepest parts of their natures. And for once they all did as I asked, which in this household is tantamount to a small miracle. In case any of you is, or are, interested, I reproduce their wish lists for you now.
Dear Santa Claws,
Mostly I have been a good girl. Except for the incident with the marbles I can't think of a single bad thing I did all year. Here's what I want. Help me get it please. I want a Brat doll and an Easy Bake Oven and a pink glitter bracelet and a box of Smarties. You can pick any Brat doll you want but the Smarties can't have any blue ones because I don't like them. They make my lips blue and the last time I ate them someone thought I needed a defibrillator and that wasn't very much fun at all. Only just now my chest fur is growing back in. Besides the bracelet please can I have something shiny? It can be anything. Some cutlery, a small saxophone, a medallion, a Swiss army knife, a hubcap, or a razor blade. I don't care. Also I want a copy of Constance Heaven's The Fires of Glenlochy because it's the only one I haven't read. Thank you Santa and please come again next year. Love, Slippers
Santa Clause I was asked to write a letter to you for what I want for chrismass but I can't think of what I want except a culligan water cooler and a milk thermus and maybe my very own bag of lays wavy potato chips or some smart pop popcorn and if you can't come that's okay because I can mostly get all this if I wait by the couch long enough. Your friend Ralph
Dear Santa -- This year I would like to buy school supplies for twenty children; three goats, one pig, and four chickens; seven soccer balls for kids who never had a chance to play soccer; medical aid for five families; enough books to fill a village library, and one night when no one had to be afraid. Oh yes, Santa. Please make it snow. Gratefully yours, Galoshes.
Mr. Claus,
It has been inappropriately brought to my immediate attention that I must succumb to the tedious task of assigning items to a fraudulent list yet again. Far be it from me to argue with anyone who is going to use my response -- or lack of it -- as leverage against what is suddenly "no longer affordable." Although this Conrad Black-mail might work with white middle-aged Fascista femmes it seldom works on me...unless, of course, there is mention of a crisp Cuban cigar or an ample jar of sweet and smoky port or a block of barrel-aged cheddar or a generous handful of pimentoed olives...or perhaps, I suppose, and quite easily the most important of all -- a spanking new grey-and-burgundy silk smoking jacket. Otherwise, Mr. Claus, piss off and leave the big boys to fend for themselves.
Sincerely yours,
Sneakers
Christmas List
1. Ralph Lauren zebra patterned cotton sheets, queen, 600 thread count
2. Mountain Co-op high powered dual action stainless steel binoculars
3. Season One: Hey Paula!
4. Old Spice Aftershave, extra scent
5. Celine Dion Sings Steamy Shower Classics
6. Four rechargeable Panasonic 9-volt batteries
7. Three cans Beatrice Real Whip Cream, chilled
8. Ten cans St. John Sea Salt Sardines
9. Playboy's Playmate Pets Extravaganza
10. Ten Little Pussies and How They Grew, first edition
Jeeves (Ho Ho Ho)
I hope there is a Santa Claus (because I know there is a Vaginia), and that he will read these letters and, except for that very last item, will try his level best to accommodate them.
<:^)
