Bereaving: From Middle English bereven, from Old English berēafian (“to bereave, deprive of, take away, seize, rob, despoil”) and Old English berēofan (“to bereave, deprive, rob of”); both equivalent to be- + reave. Cognate with Dutch beroven (“to rob, deprive, bereave”), German berauben (“to deprive, rob, bereave”), Danish berove (“to deprive of”), Norwegian berove (“to deprive”), Swedish berova (“to rob”).
I found myself somewhat irritated a few days ago, wasting my psychological time over someone who isn’t even a friend. Typically I wouldn’t give her a second thought, but when I know too well how calculatedly indifferent she is to the loss of Sarah, and to our loss of Sarah, I find I can easily lose my emotional equilibrium.
So I went to the Internet in search of people who have had similar experiences following the death of a loved one, momentarily forgetting the many truly compassionate friends I am remarkably fortunate to have.
Searching online, I was saddened to find threads from several individuals—people who seem loving and forgiving—who have lost family members and friends to death, and who, dumbfounded by the degree of cruel abandonment, are reeling in the aftermath of their losses.
So I said to myself, Jennifer, you keep a blog: why not write an entry about bereavement: what people in mourning need and what people who love them can do to help.
I am not an expert by any means but, like most of us in middle-age, I have lost people I love. And if you were to come to me and ask me what you, as someone in mourning, could do to be helped, or what you could do to help someone you love, here is what I would tell you:
Empathize Imagine you are out skating on a frozen lake and someone you love has just fallen through the ice. What would you expect of them? Would you expect that they would be able to shout out; ask for help; get out of the water without assistance; walk away unscathed; tell you all that they need; continue their everyday conversations with you?
And what would you expect from yourself? That you would merely stand over them silently, not hurrying to find blankets, warm clothing, or assistance; a little bit puffed up, lofty in your position above them, knowing that they are depending on you for their life?
Put your hypothetical self in their situation, and figure it out if you have to. But don’t just hover there, doing nothing.
Be intuitive When you are grieving, don’t let everyone tell you, “It’s you.” Some people behave very badly toward people who are in mourning, often jealous that the attention they once received from you is going elsewhere. While it is true that a grieving person is going to be heightened from time to time, don’t discount that the same is true for some of the people around you.
Like Attracts Like Stick with the people who, although they may talk tough, treat you well. Avoid their opposites. Small-minded people are never solutions for big problems.
Bereavement groups are not for everyone Nothing against the volunteers and social workers (and all those) who run them, but I know more than one person who has been sorely disappointed by a bereavement group. (If you need an example of how these groups might, or might not, work, rent Rabbit Hole. And always remember the credo: They teach best what they most need to learn.) Moreover, if it is your nature and tendency to behave as a caregiver, you might find yourself deflecting, turning away from your own emotional turmoil as you spend all of your time trying to help others, instead of seeking help for yourself.
Arm yourself Be prepared to let some people go, and be happy that you can. If a person is not willing to or capable of lending an ear or a hand, say a quiet, inward good-bye and move on.
Be equally prepared to accept new people into your life, and be extremely happy that you can. I have been shocked and beyond moved by the people who have come into, and back into, my life since Sarah has died. I could not have got through these past months without them.
Ask If, after a few months you find you are still stuck, seek professional, one-on-one help. Nothing mitigates so well as finding, and hanging onto, perspective.
Think Every time you want to drown yourself in a river of self-pity, remember that you at least are alive, and that as someone still living you do have resources.
Make Alternative Plans Christmas is fast approaching, and I have been dreading the absence of my daughter. So we are making new plans: Christmas dinner in a different (for us) setting, and a few days experiencing some new kind of fun. There will still be holiday cards and a tree and the Christmas Eve service and one or two parties (traditions are necessary to good health and sharing), but we need to find fresh ways of viewing, enjoying, and remembering the world.
Keep Moving This has been the biggest challenge for me, as I struggle to make my way down the stairs, through the house, out the door and on into civilization. Obligations and plans help me, as does warm weather (some days), but overall I need to find strategies that will help pull me away from this room.
Mind What You Eat The worse I eat, the worse I feel; the worse I feel, the worse I eat; the worse I eat, the worse I feel. I have deleted soda pop and potato chips from my diet, along with white foods and most breads Monday through Friday. I drink more water and enjoy added fruit and vegetables.
Be Kind To Yourself Read books; watch movies and favourite television programs; travel when you can; enjoy a glass of wine; listen to beautiful music.
Reacquaint Yourself with your Loved One Periods of detachment are healthy and to be expected, but I have found great solace in looking at old photos, wearing certain items of clothing, reading our favourite poems and writing about Sarah. I love having her as close to me as I can. Rather than making life more painful, Sarah’s presence is profoundly reassuring.
Don’t Forget to Laugh And don’t feel guilty when you do.
Time does not heal all wounds, and, as far as I have ever been able to tell, there are not reasons for everything. But good friends help. Know who they are and get rid of, immediately, anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself and even worse about what, and who, you have lost. Don’t waste time on the wrong people. Instead, move forward toward the people, and toward the types of people, who genuinely care
